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| Its not my birthday.
Its part of growing up, im not celebrating. Cos I reminisce all beautiful things. The things that were offered to me. The things that I use to claim. The things I have had now. And those that I lost.
Losing makes me grow up. Crying after crying, Falter after fall makes me realize. Reality is reality, there is no way everything can still be the best thing when you give them up. I cant go back to the past, neither could you. So if one day we are total strangers, I guess I could understand, though I could never forgive.
There is one thing I realized just recently, on top of all, once you decide to throw your past away, never look back. NEVER. Never feel guilt of letting those you love down. Cos sometimes when you think so are wrong, you are never wrong, you probably did what's the best for you.
To those that have read my blog and give me encouragements. Thanks. I getting better these days. I learning to forget now. Forget my guilts. Love the one that I love and who loves me now. I'm doing well and I dont hurt as much now. =)
One thing for sure, nobody is replaceble, at least for me, but at the same time nobody is irreplaceable. Now that I have outgrown that, I know I'll never want to look back feeling guilty anymore. | | |
| it hurts me alot, to see him hurt, to see him helpless. i hate myself to never be able to help. all i could do was to tell him i'll always be there for him and that i love him and missed him. whatelse could i do? i couldnt even be right by him to know that everything will be fine when he wakes up in the morning, to let him know the first thing he sees when he opens his eyes is me and no matter what we will go through all.
all i want you to know is, im not afraid your ranting, not afraid to hear you out, i want to be your support, i want to be your wings even if it cost mine. i just love you too much to not see myself being helpless. anything, anything, im never gonna leave, dont you push me away. you are gonna be my love always, whether its the same for you.
god, help my love. pls hear my prayers, anything for him. | | |
| These days I tear easy and get all emotional easy. There are so much one has to go through to grow up and for me, it aint the easiest thing, in fact the hardest. Graduating from college a couple of years ago before uni, I thought being through all that was enough for me to take things on the easier side. Not true. And so thinking that I'm mature enough to handle myself, to know what I want, independant enough, so full of confidence was just all childish and foolish. Nothing in this world comes easy and goes around easy. And dreams, they are just something you fantasize to happen. Chances of it happening not often. It took me so long, so much falling, so much failng to learn that. All these years, for whatever I was struggle on for, just made my life harder, more unhappy. I wish I wouldnt be so naive, so naive to ignore all the advices that asked me to live up to reality and to be contented with what I have. Now all that I have done previously, have lead on to a after effect -- hurt. So much that sometimes I wonder can I ever be truly a happy person. Not because I wasnt contented with what I was given, not anymore, not because I couldnt live up to my dreams, or the kind of life I truly wanted. But the impact on me, for what I have done to myself. Being so selfish so foolish. And because of my acts, I have been so hurt, so worn out, so scared. As if I could never see the blue skies and all was cloudy. I never never try to think like before anymore. I never ask myself 'why', never ask why good things doesnt come to me, why bad things always happen to me. Now I know, everything has a reason, and for that I have brought it upon myself, I have no one to blame. Right at the moment, I'm facing one of the hardest thing I ever been through. I dont know if I could face it so casually, relax as I think I could. But I hope I could. Its not easy to know that every day is a reminder untill the day it ends. What if I cant take it? Who can I hold on to? Still, I dont want to be selfish anymore. So there comes the big picture. I gonna think for the sake of others while I face up to my own music. Truly I know I wont be able to forgive myself. Now, I just cant wait for every thing to end, to be back to normal, it seems so endless. Everything that has happened in recent months keeps me thinking if I have made the right decision to stay back here in melbourne. My time here, truly should have ended. What's my point of staying back here. I miss home alot alot, everytime I think about home I feel like crying. Cos thats the only place that I know I can hide my face away and cry out loud, no one would think I'm crazy or I'm plain emo and someone would come around to tell me everything is going to be ok. I have grew up alot really, alot. And I have learned my lessons, learned them very well, I'll never forget. I just cant wait for the rainy days to be over for me. Not till that day, I can never truly let myself off. | | |
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Life is so full of irony.
I used to like to dim my apartment abit, save the electrics and get some atmosphere. Being alone, isolated was one of the things that allows me to space off, get my mind out of life, think, reflect. But now, so different. One month plus into moving to a new apartment, when I all alone, I start to keep most the lights on, so the apartment will always be bright enough. Bright enough for me to feel warm, feel that I was entirely so isolated, so alone. And I truly never feel bad about it before... the idea of being alone, living alone and being away from the crowd.
A few months down, many things changes in my life, things I used to believe in, the things that I see that were the prettiest, most beautiful have fade and withered, somethings were just dead and gone. Never came back. I broke the heart of a my best friend, filled with guilt and I'll never forgive myself.
I decide to move on with life. Packed my heart and moved on. Move out to this new beautiful apartment of mine. Now, I missed all the hang outs, missed my friends dearly. Sometimes my heart aches cos, in a way, things changes and they might never be the same again.
Sometimes I wonder the reason for me to still live in this city that I love, the city that makes me dread going home sometimes. Mom called alot nowadays, afraid that I'll feel alone, now tat I living alone, no housemates. She was right, maybe I should go home, how could I be so pathetic that she would sense over the phone that I wasnt happy as before and that mostly, I feel am so in isolation. And that there was probably only one person I was turning to?
Right now, when I have time to reflect on myself, mostly I ended up crying. Missing home. But there was no way I was turning back to go home, there are so much I want to do and I dont want to end up just like any ordinary one. At least after going through a few months of ups and downs, I came to realise that in life, there are many things that are beyond me and I cant just selfishly be who I want cos I have missed my chance. Missed that one and only chance that came by me when I was probably 16 , 17 or even 18. Now that I realise I missed it all. All I could do was to be who I was suppose to be, face the music, face reality. I would no longer want to dream, want to live my dreams. Reality is such cruel that it makes you fall and learn, the harder you struggle to go away from it, the harder you fall, in the hardest way you learn. sucks.
I'll be, 90% doing my masters when next semester comes. Is this what I really want I wonder, or is going home a better solution. Going back to the people that always be there for me and will support me whethere I fall or falter? What kind of support do I actually need for me to be strong enough to unwrite the wrongs? I want to be happy, I want to smile and I truly want to face reality and not live life trying hard to struggle. Maybe being just alrite ordinary is the best, at least I'll be contented with the littlest things, just like someone use to tell me, dont ask for too much out of life and you could be the happiest person.
=(
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| someone told me before, its becos im afraid to get hurt...and tats why i choose to not face it, choose to runaway, just not to get hurt.
i thought likewise. i thought it was becos i didnt want to hurt others that was the reason i was running away. but it might just eventually come down to the fact that i was running away not to get hurt. that feeling hit me hard.
would i feel better if i just runaway or i'll be better not to hid away and face the smiles that awaits and hold out thier hands to me...
those smiles, they could heal me and i could break them, cos i just tend to do that, and when i turn back to realise, its too late to undone. i dont mind crying, i dont mind falling...even if it tears me apart and changed me but i just didnt like to see those smiles go away and i know tat deep down its cos i can never find them in me -- the smiles. smiling truly. truthfully. is not that i could do.
to runaway.....maybe cos its too hard, so hard that you badly wanted it. maybe cos you know you could never runaway. never. but still i want to runaway...whatever it takes me to have to...running away was what i tot if i ever disappear it would be the better for those that i love n those that love me dearly. maybe i couldnt bear getting them hurt, maybe i couldnt bear get hurt, but wat does it takes to get hurt again and again cos i am already hurt all over. but why do my heart still hurt so much so much, like im dying away inside....deep down inside.
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